LinkedIn Bio Looking Lacklustre?

An Ode to Rubbish LinkedIn Bios

You seem like a nice chap
But your LinkedIn bio’s crap.
Who wrote it, love, your Mum?
Well tell her from me, it’s bum.

What’s that? She thinks it’s great?
Mate. It’s barely adequate.
Your gran likes how it reads?
Yeah, but does it bring in leads?

Think that anybody cares
If you like upholstering chairs
And you have a dog called Waffle?
No they don’t, that tripe is offal.

Personal detail’s pretty great
When you’re looking for a date
Spill your guts on Tinder honey
Save LinkedIn for making money

Keep your bio super brief
Noone’s reading War and Peace.
Make it relevant, and clear
We don’t need no jargon here.

You must tell us what you sell…
Tell us who it’s for as well…
Tell us why you’re super cool…
Then stop typing, crazy fool!

If this sounds a bit too hard
Then consult this bio bard.
For a very meagre sum
I’ll do better than yer Mum

For the price of a nice dinner
I will draft you up a winner
This LinkedIn bio whiz
Will leave you crawling with new biz.

All signed up with LinkedIn?

If you haven’t, you’re missing a trick – it’s by far the world’s biggest professional network, with 756 million users in more than 200 countries.

If you’re thinking about signing up to this lean, mean, lead-generating machine, you’ll need a brand new introductory bio that bangs on about your brilliance. 

Already a user? Take a look at your existing LinkedIn write-up. Is it really worthy of 756 million sets of eyes?

If your bio isn’t fit for purpose, have a word with yourself, then have a word with me.  I’ve written and improved LinkedIn bios for a huge range of business professionals and freelancers in all industries, and I’ll be brutally honest, most of them can be torn to shreds in seconds – like a feral cat going at your new Habitat curtains.

On a site of LinkedIns magnitude, a few hastily penned lines, a pile of jargon-filled word vomit, or a cut and paste job from the ten year old CV your second cousin put together just won’t pass muster. You need a sleek, professionally written bio that creates a fabulous first impression, opens doors to greatness, and starts the right conversations. 

My own bio attracts a huge number of compliments, and I receive double digit leads from potential new clients through the platform every damn day. 

Having a crap bio is like turning up at a job interview with spinach in your teeth, your skirt tucked in your knickers or flies wide open, half an hour late, reeking of body odour, fags, and fear, tripping over the threshold and dropping your briefcase which pops open to reveal a copy of ‘how to cheat at job interviews’

A good bio is like turning up in a sharp suit with a perfectly coiffed barnet, pearly white smile, half an hour early and fresh as a daisy – looking, feeling, and smelling like success.

Who doesn’t want to smell like success?

How to get your filthy paws on a brand new linkedIn bio – pronto 

Getting your mitts on a shiny new LinkedIn bio is a simple process, for which I charge a fixed fee of £325, plus VAT. 

Step 1: I send you a simple set of questions, which help me understand what you use LinkedIn for, and what you want your bio to achieve. I also ask for details about you and your business or service, and for you to provide some examples of bios you like, and don’t like – so I can perfectly craft a bio that will float your boat, light your fire, and generally make your nipples rotate. 

Step 2:  I combine your responses to my questions with your existing bio, if you have one, and knock up a first draft.

Step 3 –  Most clients are happy with draft one, and only need a few tweaks to go live with their new bio. If yours needs a little more work, I include two more rounds of editing in my price, so we can perfect the text to reflect your all round awesomeness.

Payment is in full and upfront, and bios take – on average – a couple of days to turn around.

Ready to book? Get in touch

Not quite there yet? Read some stellar bio samples for a taste of my mad bio skillz (I’m putting Shakespeare out of business – just call me the Bio Bard).  Check ‘em out here. 

Still not convinced? You’re stone cold. Read some ravings from my raving mad LinkedIn bio clients – they’re lovin’ my work. 

“Rowan is a God send! Throughout our dealings, she was not only quick to respond, but also quick to complete the job – and to an exceptionally high standard. She immediately grasped the factual content but, more importantly, her understanding of (and ability to deliver) the tone I wanted to convey was seriously impressive. Rowan’s fees were entirely reasonable, and I feel that I got exceptional value for money. I would not hesitate to recommend her”. 

Isobel Willoughby, Solicitor

“I’d been putting off updating my LinkedIn bio, knowing it wasn’t great, but unsure where to start. Rowan was so helpful and efficient, the questions she asked got me to really think about what I was trying to convey, and her additional research added a lot of value. The work was also turned around really quickly. I highly recommend Rowan, and will be coming back soon for my next bit of copy”.

Harriet Davis, Operational Implementation Consultant. 

“ I didn’t realise how much my LinkedIn bio was lacking until Rowan went through everything with me and asked probing questions. She was extremely quick and efficient with both of our time, and I would – for sure – recommend working with her.” 

Sam Barrett, CV Writer and Interview Coach.

“Rowan is a God send! Throughout our dealings, she was not only quick to respond, but also quick to complete the job – and to an exceptionally high standard. She immediately grasped the factual content but, more importantly, her understanding of (and ability to deliver) the tone I wanted to convey was seriously impressive. Rowan’s fees were entirely reasonable, and I feel that I got exceptional value for money. I would not hesitate to recommend her”. 

Isobel Willoughby, Solicitor