Dear Salutation (Next time, I will definitely, definitely do my research and get your actual name. I promise)
I write to you today with news of a worrying phenomenon sweeping the country (or maybe even the globe, that would be way more dramatic…)
A terrifying phenomenon is sweeping the globe!!!
Much better. More immediate.
This occurrence has been dubbed, by some, as ‘Needing a Copywriter.’
In more extreme cases ‘Really Needing a Copywriter’ or even ‘Really Really needing a Copywriter’ can develop (please God, not in my home town.)
Here are the facts:
- Sometimes, people don’t know they need a copywriter until they need a copywriter.
- Ask someone today if they need a copywriter. They’ll probably say no. I’ve tried it.
‘Hi, do you need a copywriter?’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Okay. Thanks for your time.’
- Ask them again on another day, and another. They’ll keep saying the same thing.
- But the next day, or the day after that, ‘Needing a Copywriter’ could strike, without warning.
- Then they will say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ – you get that, right?
- Businesses and individuals can be affected (but not animals. Never animals. Or dolls.)
- It can happen anywhere, at any time. I would list places, but am worried about word count atm.
- It can happen to YOU (and it probably will, you look the type.)
Make these pictures in your brain box for me, please
Imagine this scenario. You run a business. You’re going about the daily business of, erm, business running, when it hits you.
You need some words.
Suddenly, panic grips tight. Where are all the words? Where have all the words gone, people? Is there a word shortage? It’s wordageddon (That one doesn’t work, but I’m going to keep it in here because it’s a trier, and it should work, it just doesn’t.)
The words you need could be any kind of words. Each case of ‘needing a copywriter’ is differently awful.
It could be:
The wording for a website
A blog post or article
A case study or press release
The text for a brochure or leaflet
A sales email
A set of product description
An annual report
Whatever it is, it involves a need for words. Good one’s mind, not rubbish ones. And you’re responsible.
What to do if you’re affected
If someone is affected by ‘Needing a Copywriter’ they can become highly distressed and a bit shouty. They may take out their frustrations on loved ones, which is okay, because that’s what loved ones are for.
When they realise they’re suffering from ‘need a copywriter’ people become upset for two main reasons:
- They don’t have time to write the bloody thing right now.
2. Even if they did, they wouldn’t know how to write the bloody thing.
That’s right. They either can’t, or won’t, write the words that they need. But they really need the words. Like, really need them. Keeping up?
If you or someone you give a rat’s ass about has been affected by ‘Needing a copywriter,’ DO NOT PANIC.
There are people out there who can help.
Look, below this line! A really helpful definition! At exactly the right moment!
Copywriter – A human person who writes things in exchange for money (and praise, lots of praise. Also, chocolate. Also, puppies.)
People who can write really good. These people are (literally, at this very moment) waiting to take your call. Staring out of windows. Drooling. Waiting for the phone to ring.
You may also find these people being referred to as freelance copywriters, content writers, just plain writers or even highly-talented wordsmiths, gods and goddesses of the page….)
But where? Where are they Roger? (Hold me, I’m frightened.)
‘How do I get hold of one of these copywriters?’ You may ask.
‘I’ve never seen one before. Pets at Home don’t stock them. Wasn’t your second cousin married to one, Matthew?’
You might say.
‘STOP. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF BEFORE I SLAP YOU SILLY.’
I would reply.
‘MATTHEW’S PARTNER WORKED IN COPYRIGHT. IT’S REALLY NOT THE SAME THING. AND BESIDES, IM ABOUT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, IF YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE. PFFFT. TRYING TO BUILD SUSPENSE HERE AND JUST. KEEP. GETTING. INTERRUPTED.’
If you’re affected by ‘needing a copywriter’ and need a copywriter, you may be tempted to start Googling terms like ‘need a copywriter, I have need of a copywriter, I’m needing a copywriter, copywriter – I need you, and, needing a copywriter is where I’m at right now…’
Don’t do this.
There is no way of telling what you might uncover, should you delve into the murky pond that is the internet.
FACT: Nobody is in charge of the internet.
FACT: There are no internet police, in charge of policing the internet.
FACT: Your Mum is not going to help you hose off whatever you find lurking at the bottom of the internet. You are ON YOUR OWN. Like that thing that happens in a horror film, where the girl in the nightie goes down the really dark staircase to find out what that really scary noise was, using the internet to, like, randomly pick a copywriter is NOT GOING TO END WELL.
Impulse picking a copywriter off the internet is a stupid thing to do.
You have no idea who these people are, of if their ridiculous claims of ‘being able to write good’ are really true. Who says so? Your grandma? Nah, not buying it. Bet you can’t even spell manoovr……maneu…….manovre……. Bet you can’t even spell BUM.
Any old random malingerer can slap a ‘Copywriter for Hire’ headline on a Wix site and star touting their sad old wordy wares around town.
Well I’m here to tell you that 99.9% of these ‘so-called’ copywriters are actually either;
- Shaved monkeys in human clothes
Yes, you heard it here first! 99% of ‘so-called copywriters’ are illiterate, shaved monkey hybrids. Or similar.
So what to do instead?
When ‘needing a copywriter’ strikes, call this number:
and say ‘I need a copywriter.’
If you are asked for a secret code, it is always ‘bananas.’
You could also send a message to this address thingy I found typed out on a bit of paper, lying on the floor over there. Doesn’t matter where, just look at it. It’s a thingy for sending messages. An e-what’sit. Use it.
You can do it! It’s easy! It’s only a few words, and once you’ve pressed the ‘send’ button, a real-life copywriter will get back to you and help you with your ‘needing a copywriter.’
It’s all going to be okay.
I know you don’t believe it now. But in time, you will no longer need a copywriter. It may take a few hours or a few days. It may even take weeks. In rare cases, months. But you will get through this. Your website or brochure or case study will get written by someone who can write good and you’ll be free. Free from needing a copywriter.
Then what will you do with your time? Paint? Read a book? Have coffee with friends? See the world? Maybe just see a film, eh? Or buy a nice piece of fish for tea?
You’re picturing it now, inside your picture maker, aren’t you? Good. Keep looking – it’s so beautiful. A world where we can all be free from ‘Needing a copywriter.’
This world can become a reality. Especially if you go here, right now…
If you don’t, it won’t. (Whispering) And people may die
People you know. In this country.
So sad. And so preventable.
OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU’RE BACK IN THE ROOM.
Print out this letter and put it somewhere incredibly safe. Like in a safe. Nowhere safer, IMHO.
Do it now. Put it in that place where you put the important stuff (then tell me where that is.) Pin it to your noticeboard. Pin it to your chest. Have it printed on a t-shirt and wear it to bed every night. Have it tattooed on your dog (shave your dog first, obvs.)
Do not lose this information. Because needing a copywriter is REAL and needing a copywriter is SCARY. Needing a copywriter affects so many people. And yet so few people realise that there are copywriters out there to have, in order not to need one anymore.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Because I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way.
Now go. Fly. Make this letter safe.
Who knows when you’ll need a copywriter.
Probably tomorrow. Today works for me, too.
Not that I’m a copywriter. Did someone say I was? (looks around in alarm.)
Arm yourself with the right information. Protect yourself with the right knowledge. And if you need a copywriter. Don’t think. Just act. Fast.
With best wishes, from someone who is definitely not a copywriter, in fact, someone who does the opposite of copywriting. Someone who burns words. A word burner. Yep, that’s my job. Cnat spllell eithr look, loadz ov typosh.
PS: For a limited time only, if you or your loved ones are affected by needing a copywriter, you can claim this limited, one-time, exclusive, limited offer.
For a limited period, if you need a copywriter, you can contact a copywriter for free, to tell her (or him, but mainly her) that you need a copywriter, and ask what to do next about that.
Remember, this offer is for a limited period, which is the opposite of extended, or maybe just the opposite of ‘a normal period.’ Either way, this offer won’t stick around for long!!! Because it’s limited.
Just go here – www.rowanmartincopywriting.com or send a message here firstname.lastname@example.org and you will soon be enjoying the many benefits of not needing a copywriter, which I do not, right now, have time to list.
You could soon be receiving help and support from a copywriter, who will be helpfully writing and supporting you for as long as you need to be helped and supported.
So act now!
I really really hate this part. The call to action bit.
Never know how to end these bloody things without it being awk-ward.
Do you think they’re still reading?
Doubt it, you’ve gone on for ages.
It’s long form copy. I can use as many words as I need to, in order to get my point across.
No words left mate, you used them all.
SHUT UP, if anyone’ still reading you’re going to put them right off. Right when I was closing the deal. Good one Barry. This is going on your sales figures this month. NOT MINE.